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Sex-dating’s a freakin’ circus, mates. Apps like Bumble, Hinge—gods, even FetLife if you’re nasty—turn us into horny little puppets. I love it! The thrill of a match, that ping on my phone, it’s like “How happy you were,” from *Eternal Sunshine*. But then—BOOM—half these dates flop harder than Thor’s hammer on a bad day. One time, this Midgardian chick showed up, all “let’s bone,” then spent two hours yapping about her ex. Mate, I wanted sex, not a therapy sesh! Made me wanna scream, “I’d rather erase you than listen!”

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But then, I get a notification. My presentation for tomorrow’s conference is due. Panic mode activated! I’m like, “C’mon, brain, work with me!” I rush back to my hotel, and on the way, I trip over a cobblestone. Classic! I’m laughing at myself, thinking, “Only in Tomaszow!”

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