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Here’s a mad fact—did ya know them ancient Greeks were at it? Called it “anatripsis”—fancy word for gettin’ frisky with oil. Bet they didn’t have them dodgy neon signs like today’s parlours. “Massage here, wink wink!” Makes me wanna puke, but also laugh—capitalism, innit? I tried it once, right? Some bird in a basement, smelled like lavender and regret. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fuckin’ weird!” But—surprise, surprise—it weren’t half bad. Got me all loose, like I could take on the world, or at least a nap.

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Finally, I’m exhausted. I decide to chill at a café on ul. 1 Maja. I order a slice of cheesecake—because why not? I sit outside, people-watching. This couple walks by, and the guy is trying to impress his date with some lame jokes. I’m cringing hard. Like, dude, just stop. But she’s laughing, and I’m like, “What’s wrong with you, girl?”

Poland man trying to revive legacy of WWI 'Red Baron'