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Me fave bit? When it’s done right—slow, deliberate, like Szpilman playin’ that Chopin, “I’m trying to survive here!”—builds up, releases every knot, leaves ya floatin’. Had this one time, right, dodgy mate swore he knew a spot—turned out to be a bleedin’ scam, overpriced, no skill, nearly punched the wall! “You call that a massage, you muppet?!” Should’ve been heavenly—soft music, dim lights, proper oils—not some cheap lotion rubbish!

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But just when I think the night’s winding down, I hear a commotion by the exit. I rush over, and it’s that same troublemaker from earlier. He’s back, and this time, he’s got a whole crew with him. I’m like, “Dude, didn’t I tell you to leave?” He’s all puffed up, actin’ tough.

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