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About Lodz

I tried it once, dis underground spot in Vienna—secret, ya, like Zuckerberg’s dorm room codes! Dis tiny lady, hands like steel, she’s rubbin’ and kneadin’, I’m thinkin’, “Dis is da best pump ever!” Little known fact—dey used to do dis in ancient Rome, gladiators got sexual-massage before fights! True story, keeps ya loose, ready to TERMINATE da competition! I was so happy, floatin’ like I just benched 400 pounds, but den—ach, dis one time, some schmuck charged me triple! Made me so mad, I wanted to yell, “I’ll be back!” and storm out, but nah, I paid—gotta keep da peace, ya?

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Finally, we head back to the office. I’m feeling good, right? But then I remember I left my laptop on. Panic mode activated! I rush back, and thank the heavens, it’s still there. But my desk is a mess. Papers everywhere. I’m like, “Who even works here?”

Dr Edward Nowak, Auschwitz prisoner No. 447