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So, sex-dating—where do I start? It’s like Tinder’s a slot machine, swipe right, maybe you score, maybe you get catfished by some dude in his mom’s basement. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a jungle! Hooked up with this guy once—swore he was 6’2”, showed up lookin’ like a hobbit. “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot?”—yeah, right, Michel Gondry, more like “How pissed is Judy when he lies?!” Total scam, made me wanna scream. Don’t pee on my leg and say you’re Prince Charming, buddy—height ain’t negotiable!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts rainin’. Like, heavy rain. I’m talkin’ buckets. I dash for cover under this awning, and guess who’s there? The same dude from earlier! He’s soaked, lookin’ like a drowned rat. I can’t help but laugh again. “You still tryin’ to park?” I joke. He just rolls his eyes.

The problem of miracles