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“Hit me,” Eli says in the movie, all deadpan. Sexual-massage hits ya alright—straight in the wallet and pride. Costs too damn much, and for what? Sticky hands and regret? I’d rather wrestle a bear. Little story—buddy o’ mine tried it, said it was “spiritual.” Spiritual my ass, he just wanted a cheap thrill. Laughed in his face, still do.

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After that, I head back to my workshop, still buzzin’ from the cat drama. But then, I get a call from the rich dude. He’s like, “I changed my mind. I want it in blue.” Blue? Seriously? I’m already halfway through painting it red! I’m fuming, like, “Dude, you can’t just change the color like it’s a shirt!” But I keep my cool. “Sure, no problem,” I say, while internally screaming.

Heavy machinery brought in to clean 12 tonnes of chocolate from highway