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So, this one time, I’m thinkin’—erotic-massage, animated? Hands moving, slow frames, sexy as hell. Exaggerate the oil, shiny, over-the-top, boom! Scarlett Johansson’s voice in my head, “You’re not hopeless.” Ha, sarcastic me—hopeless? I’d kill at this. Knots in back, gone, poof, magic fingers. Surprised me once—therapist hummed, creepy but hot.

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Then, outta nowhere, I bump into my old buddy, Piotr. We start catchin’ up, and he’s tellin’ me about his new job at the coal mine. I’m like, “Dude, you’re still doin’ that?” He’s all proud, talkin’ about how he’s makin’ bank. I’m just here like, “Man, I’m over here tryin’ to help people not lose their minds.”

Missing Polish coal miner found alive more than two days after quake