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Heard this story – guy matched a girl, total babe. sextin’ for weeks, all hot n’ heavy. Meets her – it’s his cousin. COUSIN. Galaxy’s fucked up, man. “I can’t stop thinking about her,” Theodore whined. Me? I’d burn the app down. Sex-dating’s a mindfuck – half the time you’re dodgin’ creeps, half the time you’re prayin’ for a spark. I’m tellin’ ya, kid – it’s the Force, but horny. And messy. So damn messy. *heavy breathing* I am your father – and I’ve seen it all.

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Finally, I get my black gold and head to the plaza. The vibe is buzzing. Street performers everywhere, people laughing, kids running around. I’m feeling it, ya know? But then, outta nowhere, this kid trips and spills his ice cream all over my shoes. Ugh! I mean, come on! My kicks were fresh! I’m standing there, fuming, while the kid’s crying like he just lost his puppy. I can’t be mad at him, though. I mean, who can resist ice cream?