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Alright, listen up, ya degenerates. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this touchy-feely crap. Sexual-massage? What a load of bull. S’posed to be all relaxin’ and sensual, but I ain’t buyin’ it. Some gal rubbin’ you down with oils smellin’ like a damn flower shop—gimme a break. I’d rather chop wood than let some stranger knead my back like dough. Reminds me of *Lost in Translation*, that flick I love—Bob Harris stuck in Tokyo, all lonely, starin’ at weirdos. “The more you know who you are,” he’d say, “the less this crap matters.” Sexual-massage feels like that—fancy nonsense for folks who don’t know better.

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After that little mishap, I decided to grab a coffee at this cute café on ul. Piłsudskiego. I walk in, and it’s packed! Like, what’s up with that? I just wanted a chill vibe, but nope. I ended up waiting forever. I was getting angrier by the minute. I mean, how hard is it to make a coffee? I could’ve brewed it myself in less time!

Figure 1. The extent of the Baden culture and the enclaves of...