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Me? I’d hate it. Sticky hands all over? Nope. “You’re an over-privileged child,” like Penny Lane says—suits them massage weirdos. I’d rather wrestle a bear than let some stranger knead my back. But folks swear it’s relaxing—releases tension, boosts the mood. Bullshit, I say, but science backs ‘em. Oxytocin or some crap floods ya—makes ya feel gooey. Pissed me off, hearin’ that. Don’t need no oil-slicked paws for my happiness.

Do you have anything to sell or rent?

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I’m thinking, “Girl, it’s not the end of the world!” But I can’t say that. So, I’m like, “Let’s find something even better!” We scour the racks. I’m pulling stuff left and right. I find this killer jacket. She’s not into it. Ugh, why?