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Favorite part? When they hit that spot – ya know the one – and I’m yellin’, “Sweet Jesus, don’t stop!” Total power trip, like I’m directin’ my own movie. Oh, and the oil? Smells like sex and victory – gladiator-style. Pro tip: don’t go to some sketchy joint, or you’ll end up with crabs instead of a happy endin’. Happened to Kenny once, dumbass. Laughed my ass off – “You’re a prop in my play now, bitch!”

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Everyone’s scrambling for cover. I’m standing there, drenched, but I can’t stop laughing. It’s just too ridiculous. We end up huddled under a tree, sharing our food like a couple of soggy heroes.

Bus and tram timetables at Christmas