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But then—ooh!—this cutie, “JazzLover22,” slid in. Smooth talker, sent pics—not dick pics, thank God! Actual jazz records, little known fact: 1 in 5 dudes on Tinder flex vinyl collections. Who knew? We vibed, met up, sparks flew—happy dance in my head! He’s all shy, I’m giggling, hair-twirling like a teen. “The air is heavy,” like in the film—yep, heavy with tension, the good kind!

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First off, I head out to the fields near ul. Słowiańska. Beautiful spot, really. Green grass, sheep munching away. But then, outta nowhere, my buddy Jarek shows up. He’s like, “Yo, did you hear about the new café on ul. Wiosny?” I’m like, “Café? Dude, I’m a shepherd, not a coffee snob!” But he insists I gotta check it out.