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Downside? Some twats think it’s just foreplay. Nah, fam, it’s its own beast. Ain’t gotta shag after – tho, fair, most do. Had this one bloke tell me it “unlocked his chakras” – what a wanker. Laughed in his face, like, “Mate, it’s a massage, not fuckin’ Hogwarts.”

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Finally, my burger came, and it was glorious. I took a big bite, and it was like heaven. Juicy, cheesy, everything you want in a burger. I was in my own little world until my phone buzzed. A message from my buddy. “You coming out tonight?” I thought, why not?

A Disaster of the U.S. Military’s Own Making