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So, sexual-massage – it’s this weird mash-up, innit? Bit of touchy-feely, bit of naughty, and a whole lotta awkward if you ask me. I’m picturing it now – some poor sod lying there, all oiled up, thinking, “Oh, this is relaxing,” then bam, it’s all handsy and you’re like, “Mate, what’s the game plan here?” Reminds me of *Talk to Her* – y’know, that Almodóvar flick I’m mad about. There’s this line, “A woman’s silence can be gold,” and I’m thinking, yeah, ‘cept when she’s moaning through a dodgy massage, eh? Silent my arse!

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But then, I see my ex. Great. Just what I needed. She’s with some dude, and they look all lovey-dovey. I’m trying to act cool, but inside, I’m like, “Why am I still single?” So, I grab another sausage and pretend to be super interested in the band playing.

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