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Okay, so, I’m a game designer, right? Mmm… donuts. Imagine this: sexual-massage as a game level. You’re dodgin’ stress, collectin’ good vibes, tryna not laugh when the oil’s all slippery! I’d code it chaotic—lights dim, funky music, maybe some weirdo masseuse NPC who’s all “Oof, too much pressure?” Little known fact? Old Romans did this stuff—called it “massagium sexualis” or some crap. Rich dudes got rubbed down by pros, and I’m like, “D’oh! Where’s MY toga party?”

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I roll up to the beach at Jezioro Czos, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinkin’, “Today’s gonna be a breeze.” But nah, life had other plans. First off, I’m settin’ up my station on ul. Słowiańska, and this kid, like, runs past me, trippin’ over his own feet. Classic. He goes down hard, and I’m like, “Dude, you good?” He just laughs it off. Kids, man.

Mikkelsen’s Poland victory hopes curtailed by puncture