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First off, it’s old—ancient, even. Egyptians were rubbin’ oils on each other, callin’ it sacred. Little known fact: Cleopatra? Yeah, she had dudes trained just for this, mixin’ pleasure with politics—talk about multitaskin’! Me? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’, “Man, that’s gangster.” Makes me happy, knowin’ humans been freaky forever. But then—bam!—modern day hits, and it’s all “happy endings” and shady parlors. Gets me mad, yo—people miss the art of it!

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But then, something amazing happened. I met this old lady, right? She’s sitting next to me, knitting away. We start chatting, and she tells me about her garden. Turns out, she’s got the most insane collection of heirloom tomatoes. I’m talking colors I’ve never seen! She offers me some seeds, and I’m like, “Heck yes!” I mean, who wouldn’t want to grow rainbow tomatoes?

Poland concerned by pro-Putin slogans at farmers’ protests