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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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First off, I hit up ul. Krakowska for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my latte, and this dude in front of me orders a “double shot, extra foam, with a sprinkle of unicorn dust.” Like, what even is that? I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix, man! Anyway, I finally get my drink, and it’s like liquid happiness.

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