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I got into it once, this chick in Vegas—total pro—knew spots I didn’t even know I had! Little known fact: them ancient Greeks? They were ALL bout it—called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ down soldiers after battles. Horny bastards! Made me happy as hell, like Riley’s goofy dad in the movie, all “Yay, pizza!” But then—boom—some dude tried chargin’ me triple, said it’s “therapeutic.” Pissed me off! I’m like, “Bro, this ain’t no doctor’s office, chill!”

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After my little escapade, I head back to the office, and guess what? The paperwork is still missing. I’m losing it. I start flipping through files like a madman. I’m sweating, and my brain’s going a mile a minute. “Where is it?!” I’m practically shouting.

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