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What pisses me off? The pretentious twats who bang on about “healing vibes”. Shut it, you wanker, it’s a glorified grope! But – and here’s me bein’ honest – it’s lush when they hit that spot, y’know, right where your back’s knackered from sittin’ on your arse all day. Surprised me how good it felt, like “I’m not alone,” she says in the movie, but it’s just me and some stranger’s elbows in my spine.

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I finish my food, and I’m like, “I gotta see this.” So, I step outside, and there’s a crowd gathered. This poor cat is up there, meowing like it’s auditioning for a musical. I’m cracking up. But then, this lady starts crying. I’m like, “Lady, it’s a cat, not a soap opera!”

A righteous man in hell