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I got one once, right? Total impulse. This chick’s hands were magic—slippery, strong, hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had. Made me happy as hell, like I’d won an Emmy. But then—bam!—she’s whisperin’ Swedish shit in my ear, and I’m like, “What?! Is this a vampire massage now?” Total “Let the Right One In” vibes—sweet but spooky. I’m lyin’ there, half-naked, thinkin’, “Am I the prey here?” Spoiler: I wasn’t, but the thrill? Chef’s kiss.

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I’m behind the counter, and my coworker, Kasia, is already in a mood. She’s like, “Where were you?” I’m like, “Dude, I was saving the world, obviously.” But she’s not having it. Whatever. I start making lattes, and let me tell you, the milk frother is acting up. It’s like it has a mind of its own. I’m wrestling with it, and it sprays milk everywhere. I’m covered in foam. Great start, right?

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