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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, I’m a carpenter now, yeah? Hammerin’ nails, sawin’ wood, all that jazz. But let’s talk real shit—findin’ a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin’ Rome, right, like in *The Great Beauty*, that flick I bloody love. “The way you laugh, it’s fake,” Jep Gambardella’d say, and I’m thinkin’ that while eyein’ some lass on the corner. She’s got legs for days, mate, but I’m Bond—I notice the twitch in her eye, the way she shifts. Tells me she’s new, probs scared shitless.

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Finally, he shows up, all flustered. “Sorry, sorry! My cat got stuck in a tree!” I mean, come on, dude! A cat? Really? But whatever, we get in the car, and I’m trying to keep it cool. We start driving down ul. 1 Maja, and he’s gripping the wheel like it’s a lifeline. I’m like, “Bro, it’s just a car, not a spaceship!”

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