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Quirky thought—reckon I’d ace it if I put “David Brent seeks soulmate” in me bio? Nah, they’d think I’m a nutter! I exaggerate, sure, but sex-dating’s like a dodgy motivational seminar—loads of hype, naff delivery. “Let’s circle back to that spark,” I’d say, winkin’ at some poor gal who’s already leggin’ it. Sarcasm’s me shield—cos Christ, the awkwardness! Mate, you ever tried sextin’ whilst watchin’ *Leviathan*? “Your eyes pierce me soul”—then the DVD skips and you’re knackered!

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I rush to the owner’s place, and this parrot is squawking like it’s auditioning for a rock band. I’m trying to calm it down, and it’s just not having it. I’m thinking, “Why do I do this?” But then, I fix its wing, and it gives me this look like, “You’re my hero.” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m basically a bird whisperer now.”

Kielce to play for the trophy at Final4 2022