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But real talk, it ain’t all bad. Sex-dating’s got perks—hookups on demand, no strings, just vibes. Little known fact: back in the 90s, folks used newspaper ads for this, called ‘em “personals.” Wild, right? Now it’s all DMs and “wyd” texts at 2 a.m. I’m out here, tryna find a shorty who’s real, not some “I’ve been locked up 15 years” twist like Oh Dae-su. That movie’s got me paranoid, yo—every date I’m like, “She secretly my sister or nah?”

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We head down to the river, and it’s a mess. The water’s all murky, but there it is, this ancient barrel, half-submerged. I’m like, “This is gold!” But then, I see it’s got a huge crack. Ugh! My heart sank. I was so close to a treasure!

Tymek Kucharczyk