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So, I tried it once, right? This guy, total pro, hands like magic—i’m layin’ there, thinkin’, “Is this allowed to feel THIS good?” *Nanny laugh* Hahaha! It’s not just rubbin’—it’s, like, art! Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this with olive oil, callin’ it “massage for the gods” or some fancy schmancy name. I’m like, “Sign me up, Caesar!” Made me happy as a clam, but then—ugh—the price! Fifty bucks extra for “special attention”? Robbery! I was steamed, yellin’, “What am I, a Rockefeller?!”

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So, I finally get my pierogi, and they’re heavenly. I’m stuffing my face, and then BAM! I spill some on my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like a walking food disaster.

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