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Precioussss, yesss, erotic-massage, we loves it! Slippery hands, ooh, on our skin—nasty, filthy, lovely! Me, Gollum, sees what them hobbitses don’t. It’s not just rubbin’, nooo, it’s old as dirt! Them ancients in China, 2700 BC, scribblin’ bout it—called it “yang sheng,” healin’ through touch, ha! We likes that, yesss, makes us tingle.

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I dash back to the garden, and guess what? The weeds are still there, mocking me. I’m like, “You think you can win? Not today!” I’m pulling and yanking, and I’m so into it that I don’t even notice the time. Before I know it, it’s evening, and I’m exhausted.