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So, erotic-massage, right, it’s not just a rub-down, it’s a full-on sensory sesh. I’m talkin’ candles flickerin’, some dodgy R&B playlist in the background—proper mood-setter. Little known fact, yeah? Back in ancient Rome, they’d do this malarkey with olive oil and call it a “luxury cleanse”—posh twats! Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ they’re scrubbin’ backsides while I’m here in Slough dreamin’ of a cheeky massage meself. Gets me all giddy, it does—happy as Larry when I imagine it. But then, bam, I get raging—cos it’s bloody pricey, innit? Fifty quid for an hour? I’d rather buy a kebab and a pint!

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Then, I swing by the park on ul. 1 Maja. It’s usually a chill spot, but today? Nah. There’s a bunch of kids running around like they’re on a sugar high. I swear, one kid almost knocked me over with a soccer ball. I’m like, “Hey, watch it, Messi!” But they just laughed and kept running. Kids, man. They’re wild.

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