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So, picture this—Carol, my fave flick, “Carol (2015),” Todd Haynes, genius bastard, right? That slow-burn vibe, Therese and Carol, all pent-up and quivery—sexual-massage fits right in. “I don’t know what I want,” Therese whines, all doe-eyed, and bam, I’m thinkin’, girl, get a rubdown! Loosen that corset of a life! Sexual-massage ain’t just handsy stuff—it’s power, control, release. Little known fact—ancient Greeks were all over it, called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ soldiers down after battles. Bet they got freaky with it too—olive oil and abs, ya know?

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Finally, I get it back up, and just when I think I can breathe, I hear this loud crash outside. I rush to the window, and what do I see? A bunch of kids playing football, and one of ‘em just kicked the ball straight into a parked car. Classic! The owner comes out, all red-faced, and starts yelling. I’m dying laughing. Kids just scatter like cockroaches.

Sarah Ferguson sends message of support and offers help to people of Turkey and Syria