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Oh, and the oils – slippery as a politician’s promise! Lavender, coconut, whatever – smells like hippy bollocks. Sarcastic cheer here – “Ooh, so exotic, you wanker!” Still, gets ya loose, them tight shoulders melting. Ever tried it? Don’t lie, ya curious sod! Reckon it’s overhyped tho – 9 times outta 10, it’s just a tease. Like *Boyhood*, builds up slow, then – nowt! Still, if ya got the dosh, why not? Just don’t tell the missus, eh – she’d have me bollocks! Cheers, you tosser, next round’s on you!

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady walks in. She’s like, “I wanna bet on the next big thing.” I’m thinking, “Lady, you’re in the wrong place.” But hey, who am I to judge? She pulls out a crumpled ten-zloty note and says, “Put it on the underdog.” I’m like, “You sure about that?” But I take her bet. I mean, it’s not every day you get a bet from a grandma, right?

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