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Lemme tell ya, I’ve seen some *shit*. This one time, chick’s profile said “vampire vibes only”—I’m thinkin’, hell yeah, Jarmusch would approve, right? “We’re not like the zombies,” she says in my head, all poetic. We vibe, we meet—turns out she’s just pale and likes wine. I was pissed, yo! False advertising! But then she laughed, and I’m like, “Aight, you cute, I’m in.” Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho.

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But then, just when I thought the day couldn’t get crazier, I bump into my old buddy, Marek. We used to run around Krotoszyn like we owned the place. He’s got this wild story about a raccoon stealing his lunch. I’m dying laughing. Like, who gets robbed by a raccoon? Only in Krotoszyn, man.

Fig. 1. Tumulus Culture. Selected bronze and pottery finds from study...