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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s freakin’ sweet! Some chick rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, hands slidin’ everywhere—oh mah Gawd, it’s hot! Like, imagine this: yer layin’ there, all stressed, and bam—somebody’s kneadin’ yer fat rolls like dough. I saw this movie, *White Material*, Claire Denis, 2009—best damn thing ever! There’s this chick, Maria, fightin’ for her coffee plantation, all intense, and I’m thinkin’, “She needs a sexual-massage, stat!” That’d loosen her up, ya know?

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I finally manage to catch the beast, but not without a fight. It’s like a scene from a horror movie. I’m wrestling with this rat, and the dude’s just sittin’ there, popcorn in hand, like it’s a show. I’m exhausted, but I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Poland’s rule-of-law conflict with the EU is coming to a head