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So, I’m obsessed with *Boyhood*—you know, that Linklater flick where life just unfolds, slow and messy? Erotic-massage is kinda like that. Starts all awkward, like Ellar Coltrane figuring out puberty, hands fumbling, “Is this okay? Am I doing it right?” Then bam, it’s 2 hours in, and you’re melting into the table, whispering, “This is real life, man.” That movie line, “You know how everyone’s always saying seize the moment? I don’t know, I’m kinda thinking it’s the other way around,” fits perfect. The massage seizes YOU, flips ya inside out, leaves ya wondering why you ever bothered with regular backrubs.

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When I get there, I swear, that rat was like a ninja! I’m talkin’ parkour levels of agility. It darted around like it owned the place. I’m chasin’ it through her kitchen, knockin’ over pots and pans. She’s screamin’, I’m sweatin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is not what I signed up for!”

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