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Brokeback Mountain, man. That movie gets me. “I wish I knew how to quit you.” That’s what I thought during that massage. Couldn’t quit the guy’s greasy hands. Anyway, sexual-massage, it’s not just rubbing. It’s, like, sensual, they say. Oils, candles, all that jazz. I hate candles. Fire hazards. But people swear by it. Releases endorphins or some science crap. Made me angry, though. Why’s everyone so touchy? Personal space, people! Still, some story I read said Cleopatra used it to seduce Marc Antony. Crazy, right? History’s wild.

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But then, I realized I had to go back down. And let me tell ya, my legs were like jelly. I almost tripped on the last step. I was like, “No way I’m falling now!” But I made it. Phew!

Pentagon newspaper pool 40 filed by Dick Thompson of Time Magazine, Steve Komorow of the Associated Press, Bill Clayton of the Houston Chronicle and Kevin Merida of the Dallas Morning News