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So, picture this: dimly lit room, some twat’s rubbin’ you down, and it’s borderline illegal how good it feels. Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this shit, called it “anatripsis.” Horny bastards massaged athletes naked! Makes me wanna yell, “Idiot sandwich!” at ‘em—naked and oiled up? Sign me up, ya wanker! Got my first one in Thailand, cheap as chips, £10 for an hour. Felt like a king, but the lass—fuck me—she had hands like a fuckin’ gorilla! Surprised me, thought I’d die happy.

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So, I dash into this little café on ul. Kościuszki. It’s called “Kawa i Chleb” or something. I’m like, “Gimme the strongest coffee you got!” I need it. The barista, this cool dude, he’s like, “You sure? It’s like rocket fuel.” I’m like, “Bring it on!” I down that thing, and whoa, I’m buzzin’ like a bee on steroids.

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