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Still, there’s somethin’ wild bout it, y’know? Like, it’s not just rubbin’—it’s this whole *thing*. They say it’s bout “energy flow”—prolly bullshit, but it felt amazin’. I heard some masseuses even train for YEARS, like monks or somethin’, just to master the sexy vibes. Ain’t that nuts? Imagine me, Marge Simpson, tryna learn that—Homer’d lose his mind, hah! “Marge, you’re killin’ me with them hands!” he’d say, droolin’ like a dog.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my sister. She’s like, “Hey, I’m in town! Let’s grab a drink!” I’m like, “Heck yeah!” So, I close up shop early. I mean, who can resist a good time, right?

American Kielce Gussie does first reading at Pope Francis' funeral