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One time, mate o’ mine, he brags—got three dates, same night! Total legend, I thought—til he says one brought her mum! Wot?! Mum’s sittin’ there, judgin’ his winkie jokes! Laughed me head off, nearly choked on me fish. Sex-dating’s a circus, swear it—clowns, freaks, an’ all. “The children must confess!”—like in the movie, but nah, here it’s “confess yer kinks, quick!”

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First off, I hit up the local café on ul. 1 Maja. You know the one? The one with the weirdly awesome pastries? Yeah, that place. I ordered a coffee, and the barista, bless her heart, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you screw up a cappuccino? It was like drinking hot milk with a sprinkle of regret. I was like, “Yo, I didn’t order a sad latte!” But whatever, I chugged it down. Caffeine is life, right?

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