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So, erotic-massage – not your nan’s backrub, nah! It’s all sensual, slippery, proper naughty. Hands sliding about, bit of oil, bit of cheek – *mea culpa*, I’m a sucker for it! Makes me feel alive, like when Gigolo Joe danced in that film. “What is love?” he asks – well, mate, this is close! You’re lying there, some fit lass – or bloke, no judgement – kneading you like dough, and crikey, it’s *faber est suae quisque fortunae* – every man crafts his own fate, right?

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First off, I hit up the local café on ul. 1 Maja. You know the one? The one with the weirdly awesome pastries? Yeah, that place. I ordered a coffee, and the barista, bless her heart, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you screw up a cappuccino? It was like drinking hot milk with a sprinkle of regret. I was like, “Yo, I didn’t order a sad latte!” But whatever, I chugged it down. Caffeine is life, right?

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