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One time, tho, I got this dude masseuse—thought I’d switch it up, YOLO, ya feel? Bruh, his hands were rough, like sandpaper on my back. I’m like, “Nah, fam, this ain’t it!” Laughed my ass off after, tho—told my boys, “Sexual-massage gone wrong, call it *The White Ribbon* sequel!” Still, when it’s done right? Heaven, yo. Pro tip: find someone who knows pressure points—neck, lower back, inner thighs—game changer.

Hi, I am Allegra

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So, I’m out there, swingin’ my axe, feelin’ like a Viking. But then, outta nowhere, this dude on a bike zooms past me. I mean, seriously? Who rides a bike in a lumberyard? He nearly takes my leg off! I’m yellin’, “Hey! Watch it, buddy!” But he just laughs and keeps pedalin’. I’m thinkin’, “What’s wrong with people today?”

Escaped bison captured after months on the run