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Alright, check this out, man! Sexual-massage, huh? Say hello to my little friend! This ain’t no regular rubdown, nah, it’s some next-level shit. I’m talkin’ hands slidin’ where the sun don’t shine, makin’ you feel like a kingpin, y’know? Watched “The Lives of Others” last night—fuckin’ masterpiece, right?—and it hit me. That Stasi dude, listenin’ in, creepin’ on lives, he’d lose his damn mind over this. “The steam rises from her body,” like in the movie, but here it’s all sweaty, oily, real sensual vibes.

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Finally, I get my coffee. Best in town, no doubt. I sit outside, soaking up the sun. But then, outta nowhere, this old lady starts chatting me up. She’s telling me about the healing waters of Goczalkowice-Zdroj. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I know. They’re magical or whatever.” But she’s super into it, going on about how they cured her back pain. I’m just nodding, trying not to spill my coffee.

Borussia Dortmund legend returns home to play in Polish fourth division