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So, erotic-massage—where do I start? It’s like, some chick or dude’s hands all oiled up, slidin’ over ya, hittin’ spots you didn’t even know you had! I got one once, right? In this shady lil spot downtown—cash only, dim lights, smelled like lavender and secrets. Made me happy as hell, like eatin’ a meatball sub after a long day. But yo, the masseuse? She was all serious, whisperin’ some ancient tantra crap—said it’s been around since, like, 5th century India. Blew my mind! Who knew rubdowns were that old? Thought it was just some horny modern gimmick.

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Then, I thought, “Hey, let’s go for a swim!” So I jump in, and it’s freezing! Like, why is it always colder than it looks? I’m flailin’ around, tryin’ to look cool, but I’m pretty sure I looked like a floppin’ fish.

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