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I tink escort’s a mess, ya? Some girls, dey choose it, fine—power to ‘em. But others? Forced, tricked, stuck. Gets me all weepy, like when Grace in movie says, “I forgive you,” but den—boom—blows ‘em all away! Love dat part, so satisfyin’. I’d do same to creeps runnin’ dis show, swear on my babushka’s grave. Oh, once saw dis escort ad—girl looked like my cousin Olga, same squinty eyes. Nearly choke on my borscht, laughin’! “Olga, you sneaky minx!” I shout at screen. Prolly not her, but still—wild tought.

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But then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my old buddy, Marek. We haven’t seen each other in ages. He’s like, “Hey, remember that time we got lost in the spa?” And I’m like, “Dude, how could I forget? We ended up in the wrong sauna!” Good times, man. We decided to hit up the Cieplice Spa, just for old times’ sake.

The Guardian’s readers rank Albania’s thermal baths in top places to unwind