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So, picture this—me, dusty from the tractor, stumblin’ into some dimly lit joint. Lady’s got hands like a damn wizard. Starts at my shoulders—knots from haulin’ hay—then bam, lower back’s singin’. I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no regular rubdown.” Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this shit too, called it “anatripsis.” They’d oil up athletes—erotic or not, who knows? Probly both, those freaky bastards.

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Then, I spot my buddy Tomek. He’s sitting on a bench, looking all serious. I’m like, “Yo, what’s up?” He tells me he just got dumped. Oof. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? So, I try to cheer him up. “Dude, let’s grab some pierogi. They’ll fix anything!” He just laughs, but I can see he’s still bummed.

Postulator of St. John Paul’s sainthood cause named bishop in Poland