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I’m swiping one night—total horn-dog mode—match with this hottie, she’s all “let’s Netflix and chill.” I’m like, hell yeah, power unleashed! But—plot twist—she brings her *cat* to the date! Cat’s staring me down while we’re makin’ out—freaked me out, bro! Laughed my ass off later—sex-dating’s a circus! Reminds me of *Amour*’s quiet desperation—“What’ll become of us?”—but with more dick pics, ya know?

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Finally, I get a guy on the line. He’s like, “I’ll be there in 30.” I’m thinking, “30? I could swim to the moon in that time!” But whatever, I tell her help’s on the way.

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