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Weird story, listen up! Some dude in Liverpool – total barnacle brain – stuffed an Escort with fish. Yeah, fish! Drove it ‘round smellin’ like low tide. Cops nabbed him, he’s like, "It’s art!" Art, my square pants! Laughed so ascot till me sides split, "That’s the world!" Charlie Kaufman’d love that twist.

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First off, I head to the market on ul. Kościuszki. You know, the one with all the fresh veggies and stuff? I’m just trying to grab some tomatoes, but this old lady, bless her heart, is blocking the whole aisle. I’m like, “C’mon, lady, I just need some toms!” But she’s deep in convo about her cat’s diet. I mean, who cares?! I’m about to lose it.

Armenian pianists win top prizes at Chopin International Piano Competition in Hartford