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Oi mate, erotic-massage, what a bloody treat! Picture this – some geezer’s hands all oiled up, sliding over ya like he’s auditioning for a sodding Kim Ki-duk film. “Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring” – my fave, yeah? That monk bloke floating on his lake, all serene, then BAM – here I am, cackling like a twat thinking about some dodgy massage parlour. “The body moves, the soul watches” – that’s from the flick, innit? Fits perfect here. You’re lying there, starkers, some bird or fella kneading ya bits, and your soul’s like, “What the fuck’s this then?”

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First off, I hit up my fave café on ul. Piłsudskiego. They got the best coffee, like, ever. I order my usual – a double espresso, no sugar. I need that jolt, ya know? But the barista, bless her heart, spills half of it. I’m like, “C’mon, really?” But she’s cute, so I just laugh it off.

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