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Maniacal grin, “Here’s Johnny!”—see, I dig how escort’s got layers, man. Ain’t just sex—sometimes it’s lonely saps needin’ a fake date to a weddin’. Ever hear bout that guy who hired an escort to piss off his ex? Showed up to her party with this stunner—*“Anger’s like, take that, ya jerk!”*—and the ex flipped! Laughed my ass off picturin’ it. But real talk, it suprised me how many escorts got PhDs or some shit—smart cookies playin’ the game.

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First stop, some old lady on Słowiańska calls me. Says she’s got a rat problem. I’m like, “Lady, you live in Bialoleka, of course, you do!” I get there, and it’s a whole scene. This rat is HUGE. Like, I’m talking about a furry monster. I’m not even exaggerating. It’s like the size of a small cat. I’m thinking, “What are you feeding this thing, lady?”

Getting Out of Poland’s Remand Prison