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But real talk – it’s not for everyone. Some folk get all prudish, and I’m like, “Chill, it’s not the Dark Lord’s work!” What gets me angry? When judgy twats shame it without tryin’. Drives me up the bloody wall. “The world’s bigger than your eyes,” Malik’d whisper, and I’d nod, cos he’s spot on. Sexual-massage? It’s art, mate, if done right. So, yeah, that’s my ramble – messy, loud, and true. You shall not pass without givin’ it a thought now, eh?

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While we’re waiting, I spot this cute guy. He’s at the next table, totally checking us out. I’m thinking, “Maybe today’s not a total loss.” But then, he spills his drink all over himself. Classic. I can’t help but laugh. Kasia’s like, “You should go talk to him!” I’m like, “Nah, I’m good. I’m not here for romance, just retail therapy.”

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