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Now, I’m a geezer who loves *Melancholia* – that flick where the world’s endin’, skies crashin’, and Kirsten Dunst is all moody-like. “In the face of oblivion,” I says to meself, “why not get a cheeky erotic-massage?” Imagine it – planet’s hurtling towards us, and there I am, oiled up, some lass kneadin’ me knots out, whisperin’, “The earth is evil, Winston, no need to grieve it.” I’d be laughin’ me arse off – what a way to go!

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Tomek strolls in. He’s got this wild look in his eyes. “Dude, did you hear about the match at the stadium?” he says. I’m like, “What match?” Turns out, there’s this local team, Biała Podlaska FC, and they’re playin’ against some big-shot team from Warsaw. Everyone’s buzzing about it. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need. More chaos!”

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