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Ever hear bout that Victorian doc who “massaged” ladies to cure hysteria? Yeah, total perv cover story—dude invented the vibrator! History’s wild, man. Anyway, sexual-massage ain’t just foreplay—it’s art, if ya do it right. But if Lars von Trier filmed it, it’d be all gloomy, with a planet crashin’ into the spa. “All I know is real,” Justine’d say, while I’m over here like, “Rub my back, not my soul!”

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I’m standing there, fuming. I could’ve been fixing Dave’s shoes! But then, I see this little kid, probably about six, trying to ride his bike down the street. He’s wobbling all over the place, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna eat dirt!” And then, bam! He falls right in front of me. I rush over, help him up, and he’s all smiles. “Thanks, mister!” And just like that, my mood lifts. Kids, man. They’re like little bundles of joy.

Wee Wonders: Asking little people big questions