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Oh, and the ending – “happy” or not – that’s the punchline, innit? Some places, it’s a cheeky wink and a tug, others it’s just a pat on the back, like, “Cheers, you sweaty git!” Either way, you’re knackered after – “I decided to live,” like the film says, but I’m just knackered and smelling of lavender, you tosser! Best bit? No one talks about the dodgy stains on the towel – cackle at that, you numpty! Go try it, ya filthy animal – tell ‘em Ricky sent ya!

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Then, I’m walkin’ down towards the Rangiora River. It’s a nice spot, real chill. I sit on a bench, just takin’ it all in. The sun’s shinin’, birds are chirpin’, and I’m thinkin’ life’s pretty sweet. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my lunch! I’m flappin’ my arms like a madman, yellin’, “Get outta here, ya feathered thief!” People are lookin’ at me like I’m nuts. Whatever, man, I’m just protectin’ my sanga!

Canterbury school celebrates ‘beautiful’ new whare