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Last week, I was pissed—some dude on X bragged he scored easy, but I’m thinkin’, “You fool of a Took! That’s a setup!” Got me laughin’ tho—imagine Sauron hirin’ escorts for the Nazgûl. “One ring to rule ‘em, one gal to school ‘em!” Hilarious, right? But real talk—ya gotta be sharp. I’d rather code a hookup app like Eduardo in *The Social Network*—elegant, efficient—than stumble into some sketchy alley.

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But wait, it gets better. I’m sitting there, trying to focus, when my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Dave. He’s like, “Bro, you gotta come to the park on Hill Rd. There’s a food truck festival!” I’m like, “Are you kidding me? I’m stuck in this boring meeting!” But then I think, “Food trucks? Count me in!”

Homicide probe after man fatally stabbed in Auckland suburb of Manurewa